first update:

I somehow think maybe Esptein was ultimately a good guy? who wanted to expose all the rich, powerful and corrupt people in expense of his reputation and monetary benefits and that's the reason why they imprisoned him.

We are not conscious animals. We are not aware most of the time how unexpected life events affect us and we become wanderers who walk and think but don't really know where we are going. even with lots of information at hand about the human psyche we can talk at best about other human species and we cannot apply our own knowledge to ourselves. we know what is right and what is wrong, what is smart and what is stupid but we still do whatever we feel like to do and not the right thing to do. because we are driven by our instincts as well but the problem is we run short on that because we cannot even be an instinctive animal. if we use anger or horniness to ease out our issues, it can easily be out of context and be problematic for a social animal.

update - 9/10/26: why do I prefer to be asleep whenever i get the chance?

Photography was one of the few things that would attach me to life. I had my camera always everywhere I went. Why? Probably because deep down I want to be in positions to take my own picture as well, to know that I was alive and looked like this.