as always, what's happening to me?

Do I hate life?

to be more precise, did they make me hate life?

What has happened to me made me like this? or can I say I chose it myself? even unconsciously.

I think and talk about writing instead of doing it. I think and talk about doing instead of making it. to the point that I become master of it. Either I hate myself, or hate life, or hate being successful or hate feeling successful. hate of being calm and collected, always seeking pleasure to not become boring and thinking that being boring means I'm a failure at living, yet by seeking pleasure I make myself more miserable and sick and more unsuccessful and think that being this way is opposite of being boring? I should choose being boring over being that way.

using medications to come to a base level of feeling good and not empty or miserable, and then when I feel good, I think I must go downhill by trying to feel even better. Using alcohol or nicotine or coffee. all of them make my hands go sweaty and I hate that but at the same time I do it. why? 

this is like solving a math equation of spacetime interval, which is simple and doable to some but seemed something unsolvable to me.

28/7/2026

small bits and pieces I can produce

 my brain forgets things. not every brain does that.

my brain had practice before. to let everything go. when so many bad things happen to you, or when everything that happens to you is bad, it becomes as part of your default system. and until you write it down, everyone tries to blame you for all of this, and you yourself may believe it deeply that yes maybe they're right, maybe there's a problem within me that I was causing it. but make no mistake, it never was your mistake but the mistake of others near you. close to you.

Ranting eh

the question: what is the meaning of my life?

how hard I am thinking, it gets harder to understand. should I workout? should I read more? should I do what? 10 days until my departure and I think I have already maxed out my stay at this hotel. they announced that after 29th of this month, they will not accept people for longer stays. what does it mean?

they just don't want us to be around. why? no idea. maybe those who stay long consume more resources which is not ideal for the business, who knows, except the managerial people? but it doesn't concern me anymore because I am leaving here sooner than that date. I leave on 25th of this month to the destination Norway. and after that? to some place else more residential and maybe over there I can find a place for myself to be in. some place that I can establish a life, a house I hope. with real food and condiments. who knew I am gonna go there to find life? I always knew or wanted to, be in a different place than I could ever imagined but not like this. I wouldn't imagine something this complex. I like it though, don't get me wrong. I will be in a place where no one not even myself could ever imagine to be in.

i've come a long way to be in this situation. and to be honest, I am surprised and shocked that everything is moving so fast. i was seeing myself as a nomad but this is another premium version of that idea. who thought that so quickly i'd be traveling to Europe and that's not even the last destination of my trip. and I will travel to some other place after that.

I am listening to The Road by Cormac McCarthy and I can tell that these small gestures, listening to books, or sometimes watching some movies can put me in a better mood. and the mood is nothing more than being able to not always think about bad stuff but being able to see the good the in the world. not saying there's this and there's that, not arguing on that, just saying it all depends on myself to find good in things even in bad things or find bad in good things, and it all depends on our mood, blood sugar, and the state of mind at a certain moment. that's it and nothing really more than that. you can be in the worst places possible but still able to find something to not feel the worst about yourself and the world.

the amount of stupidity is too damn high

What is being stupid? Not having self-awareness is stupidity; being careless about what you do to the point that it causes harm to yourself or others or the world, is stupidity; closing the door after you're done showering is stupidity; stealing someone else's washing powder and not returning it back is stupidity; drinking your beverage while making loud sounds in a quiet place is stupidity; making sounds with your keyboard and mouse and your mouth while playing a game in a working space is also stupidity and oh boy, we are surrounded by so many stupid people around us.

Talking about us, talking about the people

As always, I don’t know what the best version of myself is.

I see people, mostly guys, who can easily connect with others, mostly girls, and I feel I can’t do that. I can’t find simple, everyday topics that interest them or keep a conversation going for long, and I end up feeling like I’ve failed. I don’t like awkward silences or looks, and I can sense that discomfort in others, so I usually step away and let them be.

Maybe it’s not really failure, just a moment passing without my involvement, and that’s okay. At other times, I can talk to all kinds of people about almost anything, so I shouldn’t see this as a failure. It’s simply a moment that isn’t mine, one that belongs to others.

Today I visited the genocide museum, which was heartbreaking, and I was about to break down in tears. How could they? The answer is easy, it's in their religion and their culture, but you must be so evil to do such a horrible thing, and they did it! We shall never stop talking about it. because history repeats itself. The same religious people did it again in 2020 by attacking Artsakh and pushing away its people, and no one seems to bother them. something must be done, something forever and for good.

I wanted to discuss this with the staff at my hotel, but I couldn't find a good time, and it's not a good feeling. I leave it at that, yet this story is unfinished.

Life outside the country and inside the country

 living life outside the country is a bit different. I am completely thrown out of my comfort zone of our family house, my clothes, my medications, and my daily entertainment which wsn't much and consists mostly of watching, going to bike riding once in a while and to the mountains. that was it. and I hate it for the most parts, like being forced to meet family members. that was the most hated part and I'm free of that here. they wanted to talk to me on the phone when I was here and I stopped it by not answering their calls. all of the things happening was something to make me forget about what is important in life. and what is important in life you ask? doing something worthwhile, about myself and my future. it can be anything, making something. creating something. doing something. going toward a purpose in life. if you look at it like that maybe it'll become easier to decide what should be done. seeing new places, museums, art galleries for starters, joining a workshop, finding out hidden places in the new city, and talking to interesting people. it all can be good reasons to live for. can't it? well if you start doing them but I don't see myself being able doing all these things.
I can't socialize very well with new people which haunts me so much. why can't I be happier, more joyful? I think to myself maybe this is also something that comes from my past. I feel I betray them by being happy and outgoing and I have to be reserved and grumpy to be counted as a good boy. well at least I know it. I overthink everything and it stops me from doing actual actions.

and I will change that. I will put good news and updates about my decisions in here.

Why is smokin'

 You wanna know why some people want to smoke and can stand the smell of it and it's disgusting to others. well those who've seen, heard, or said the most unimaginable, disgusting things, then nothing will bother them and they will come to peace with things like the smell of burned stuff. this is what is familiar to them, somehow in some ways, that they've become not something smarter or stronger but resilient towards whatever will come in their way.

p.S.: what is the border between playing with words for the heck of it and talking grammatically correct? what say you? can be seen as strange, or unfamiliar but it has some beauty to it, don't they?

p.S.S.: this Dansk song Rest in Beats is good: Rest in Beats - Fugle kan do
https://t.me/MusicOfTheSpheres/3256