as always, what's happening to me?

Do I hate life?

to be more precise, did they make me hate life?

What has happened to me made me like this? or can I say I chose it myself? even unconsciously.

I think and talk about writing instead of doing it. I think and talk about doing instead of making it. to the point that I become master of it. Either I hate myself, or hate life, or hate being successful or hate feeling successful. hate of being calm and collected, always seeking pleasure to not become boring and thinking that being boring means I'm a failure at living, yet by seeking pleasure I make myself more miserable and sick and more unsuccessful and think that being this way is opposite of being boring? I should choose being boring over being that way.

using medications to come to a base level of feeling good and not empty or miserable, and then when I feel good, I think I must go downhill by trying to feel even better. Using alcohol or nicotine or coffee. all of them make my hands go sweaty and I hate that but at the same time I do it. why? 

this is like solving a math equation of spacetime interval, which is simple and doable to some but seemed something unsolvable to me.

28/7/2026

small bits and pieces I can produce

 my brain forgets things. not every brain does that.

my brain had practice before. to let everything go. when so many bad things happen to you, or when everything that happens to you is bad, it becomes as part of your default system. and until you write it down, everyone tries to blame you for all of this, and you yourself may believe it deeply that yes maybe they're right, maybe there's a problem within me that I was causing it. but make no mistake, it never was your mistake but the mistake of others near you. close to you.