How's life over there?

 the society today, becomes more closed up than ever before. people are avoiding each other to stay out of trouble. we're in a time, where everything costs money, and people are on edge. country becomes sectioned into different power groups, and everyone wants to get something out of this, because all of them think they were the most dedicated and devoted buddies in thick and thin. old pals of the sharks want something out of all this. there are fast and hasty construction building's going on, again because that's how they can guarantee a bit of money for themselves while they're milking the lasts of the country's resources. sell it all cheap to china, who cares? sell out the soils while you're at it. oh you've been doing it for decades now? okay then, I can't think of any crimes that the government hasn't committed, and yet we swear allegiance to it to keep it safe and sound. or at least we don't think we need to do something about it. anything. we don't believe in anything now, we just want to survive another more day and that's it.

Addiction to Failure

 I am happy that now at least I don't feel lost. I don't feel if I don't belong here or there or anywhere, I must see why? why? there's no need to add drama and additional thought processes into your head and to your life, since you are precious and your time as well. this figurative snap backs to realities can move you from staticities. don't think you can't do anything, just do it and it will become something. yes I am talking about the process of starting with a notion and ending up with some actual results. we need small steps, that's how we begin, and we keep going and not stopping, because that's when success hits and you gotta be ready, i'm telling you, it's not wise to let go of opportunities like a failure addict. you need to want the ambition to grow and change and be on the move. that's the way of life. to be on the move. no matter where you are, what you do, just being on the surfboard of making something, creating something, saying something, drawing, cooking, whatever to feel the passing of the time. cause when we sleep we lose track of time and we don't know how much of reality we have missed. if we don't sleep on a schedule and mix day and nights during season change. now autumn is here and I absorb any beam of light that comes through the dark cloud smoke above the city. and let the finches get some too.

we are on the verge of a war if not actively in it, which highly doubt that it's not true.

and internet in already down, everyone's panicking and saying what can we do if the internet shut down again like years ago in March 2017. colleagues are thinking about migrating together to a neighboring country until the war ends and internet comes back up again. seriously considering this absurd thought which I thought is only my problem and my life is in ruins and shambles because of the absolute shitty situation of water, electricity, internet, and all the expenses that became quadrupled. and the severity of living near family members. oh god, my brain got deformed because of my headaches or whatever that happened to me during my time living with this family. that my mind blocked the memory from remembering it again. but it's deformed, some parts are steep and some parts are hill like.
all my life i lived a miserable life but i did what I could do atm, to make things better, and I did make it better but I couldn't hold on to it. I let it slip and this is the case of Addiction to failure that I have to conquer.

Stale

 I finally got it. i need to write it down before going to sleep because at this point I am sure as shhhh shingles!? that the state of being and living is not all about being alert and ready and in fight or flight mode, you need to relax and feel comfortable but when these needs aren't met you don't get entertained easily by games and stuff anymore, everytime you try to go back and concentrate on your toys, something horrible happens and steals your attention.

05.07.2025

you don't have any time for yourself. that's why I don't think about having a schedule when you cannot predict even simplest bits of reality shatters in front of your eyes and you as a watcher can sometimes take a lesson, can do nothing about it or be an active correspondent to what happening. the most complicated problems steming from thinking we are too small to make big changes. but my guts and research tells me that even an individual can change a whole nation and a whole world. this is not something extraterrestrial but something we do as humans fewer times in the history but nevertheless we do it. in neuroscience they tell you we don't know what is the reason behind altruism, but I think that is a bit obvious since I was prone to do altruistic actions I know sometimes it can comes from a need to be accepted among others. at least among humans. and in NS they say if you want to know why some behavior happened, you have to look at a second before it happened and see what caused the seconds after?

I was asking myself today, if the most precious thing made by humans is language and writing, why I do not engage in writing all the time? why am I wasting my times and won't really think deeply how it affects my life and how it hinders me from reaching my goal.

I know for a fact that I need to get out of this cell made by others and myself. I need to explore the world, yet this world today, is pretty expensive to live in. there are certainly smart ways to live off a street without spending a dime but it needs a lot of courage and might. when I was in Turkey, I would see so many homeless people, with clean clothes and you would find expensive stuff even on the streets. compared to a poorer country. and they also had a free mindset, without showing apparent fears, but you could see the seriousness in their eyes. one of them even warned me, put his phone out with his translator, and told me to drink my beer inside not in the alley this is a family environment and I did so. but depending on the region of the Province of Istanbul, you would face different reactions. some parts would speak English so good like around universities. everything would be beautiful around these areas. the stores, selling delicious burgers, fast foods, serving coffee and beer. major banks. hotels.

and on the other side of town in the east side or European side where the migrants would reside. there were shootings, people wouldn't speak English very well and prefer to speak Turkish. you could find kurdish speakers, farsi speakers, African decent speakers and so on.

i don't like to play with Nostalgia, something that never happened yet we feel good about it when thinking about it. those times I was residing in a house with multiple people, so many human politics happened and these things are really tearing me apart. thinking they are maybe scheming together with their agendas and bluffs and slander. I had to leave it. i have to talk about my ability or rather lack of it, toward other people. i look naive by an outstander. however I don't care, it doesn't magically erase it as well. it doesn't matter how many times I told myself I will become more aware, more present and thoughtful, cynic of people. but when I am seeing them I forget about everything and let them misuse my trust because why not? who doesn't want free ride?
To be continued....

Rambling Part 2

I am so sick and tired of so many things, I don't even what is real, what is true, what is meaningful?

I am sick to my stomach from playing in this crazy game of politics.

we are living paradoxes and we will not see that people admit this, or think that they have to do something about it. when someone thinks their action does not meet in a better result what will they do? they will stop trying. they get tired and will not do anything when you see no value in any action, you see the deceit behind every action, you see what they are selling behind what they are showing. and you simply not buying it. well from this point on, nothing ever good happens to that person. how can they compromise with the deceit? until you deceive yourself into believing that there is a compromise, to simply not point many things out since it will uncomfortable us. yeah that's it. otherwise by this point we as a human race, could build an institution of truth that would radio broadcast: "we are failing, we are stupid, we should go backwards". amid breaking scientific and technological advancements, still we are baffled by our interaction and will always misjudge situations, make things worse for one another and ourselves. we are good at waking up and going to work for somebody else for a bit of money, and will spend our life ruining ourselves and our family by doing that job as well. 

by this point you probably asked yourself what my deal is, whose side am I on? i am on my own side I guess, cause no one else seems to be bothered by this. how is this normal that humans have to tell lies all the time? and the fact that I cannot interact with them anymore in a helpful and constructive way, because all they say spewing lies and deceit at each other. and I have to accept and act as if nothing is wrong. following unwritten rules just to not get banished and left alone penniless? then what? nothing is more great than death and you cannot beat it. I know there are simpler reasons to live for, but over all I also have this view. i hate the way this reality works and I hate that it feels hopeless to do anything against it or for it. or maybe this is another lazy excuse to not taking any responsibility and all of that shit. yeah, it is probably that. i may project myself unto the world but I've seen people from close distance and I observed them good, real good. they are constantly lying to themselves. and it's not in our hand. i am probably lying about something as well. that's why I prefer to just not say anything because everything I said has been said before and there is no need to repeat yourself. but maybe here is my problem that I don't see what I do or say is important or will affect others. that's why I spew things myself. you can't open your mouth without disclaiming yourself. then why open at all?

maybe I should open my mouth and talk more or say more, if someone thinks I'm a bit too much of a talker, I can change the channel, they can too, we can talk to different people, maybe that way everyone gets some bits of me and no one gets fed with my shits ever.

these days since I want to exercise my writing skills, even though it doesn't mean I always come up with new things to say but rather it's repeating myself for different people. writing letters to each other. sometimes I get disinterested quickly but I want to stick to it as much as I can. doing something disciplinary is always good and it's positive habit builder.

Age of Empires II - Handbook for a successful start to finish game

 at the start of the game, as soon as possible, yet without any unnecessary and damaging stress, click on town center and create a villager, then select your 2 villagers and make a house with them, select the other vil and make a house as well. then shift click on the sheep so after they're done housing, they instantly go and make food. making a house is 25 seconds and making a villager having same time, that's why you make a house with 2 villagers to reduce the buffer time.

always make villagers and never stop producing, there's never enough villagers, especially at beginners level this can lead to a legit success.

the next villagers in town center should go to the wood and make a lumber camp, next vil go to food, next one go to wood, and so on and so forth. having 3 vil on wood is ok until Feudal Age. if you want to plan going next age as fast as possible, 6 vil on food is enough as well. if not, it's better to go to the next age with enough resources, not empty handed. every age provides you with many upgrades and units, you have to be able to afford it, but at the same time, going to next age is almost always in your favor. and beware that although your enemy will fear you now, they will prepare attacking you.

at the same time you have to be able to put your scout in your shortcut keys, ctrl 1-9, and do laming, which means laning some deers, gather your sheep around the town center etc.

start producing vils for the gold as well to start making infantry or pikesman for cavalry. if you are playing in a team game i.e. 4 v 4, you need 4 pikesman for each scouts. they are the counter units.

after this you either boom, start making units, skirmishes i.e. for being annoying to the enemy and never let them be comfortable. try to sabotage their miners and vils. this vil not only affect their economy but also become fearful and most players don't know how to react.

think about going to the next stage which is Castle age, and select some of your lumberjacks to make a stone mine and prepare to drop a castle in your enemy's face. we call this kind of castles DauT's Castle (you can watch a video about it on YT) and you either build that castle or you let the enemy interrupt the process. either way make that castle somewhere, even in your base.

don't forget mining upgrades plus farming and after that blacksmith upgrades for becoming more powerful than your enemy units. in castle age, try to build monastry quickly to gather as much relics as you can on the map, then build town centers to produce even more villagers and more farms.

To be Continued... maybe.

rambling

 the right writing platform is sometimes crucial to writing.

today though, I want to talk about something else, I want to talk about becoming many things. can you? become a doctor, and an engineer, a chemist, a writer, a researcher and other things?

what do you need to write?

motivation and a subject in mind.

and sometimes you don't be given any subjects or any known words. then how would you proceed? 

that's when you stop writing. stop talking. stop producing. because you think whatever you do, whatever you write doesn't shake the world anymore. not that you don't have it in you, but you feel spent to spend something. yet you're not, you're spent of what happened, not that they're in you or will haunt you or anything, but because that's how you got brought up, you just need to change the way you behave, change your routine's behavior. your routine's routing. that's how you start to make movies, music, stories, poems, pictures, paintings, and other decisions yet to take. these are the motivation to learn those things but the process should also be the motivation because you're on its way to become it, to produce it. if you dream of it. maybe I haven't dream enough of becoming something or even if I did I never truly believed it and wanted it with all my life, otherwise I would achieve it with all my life. right?

what's my passion and I would do it for free? that would be my Ideal dream hobby, what would I dream to do something and get paid for it? that would be ideal job. this was a diagram of how to decide what's your ideal activities or something. the Y diagram. by this measures, I don't know what would I become. a comic writer? I mean comedy writer? because I love stand up comedy, yet not very good very gathering material and presenting them on stage, yet I don't like to do writings for free and I prefer if I do it, I get some money for it. that's why I was proud of doing translation my whole life, cause it was a proud and sophisticated enough occupation.

does anyone still read these?

Daily problem, Daily Solution

 it's getting colder everyday and the desire in me to go out is also fading away. each day I plan for an event, a solo short but sweet hike on a nearest mountain. keep thinking to these tasks overwhelms me and therefore I stop doing anything useful and will get  busy to games or YouTube. at best I put on some music and workout for some 1-2 minutes. looking and finding or making something to eat and this is how day goes. in the meantime I try to grow 3 lemon seeds and some mushroom spores directly into the soil which was rinsed with boiled water and today I feed the pot with some sugar water solution.

mark & stamp - 0756

Mi.

I finally moved my skinny ass, stood up, got ready and went out on a hike in a remote place out of the city. most of the ride was on the bus or in a crowded, moist and damp with no fresh air. I wanted to explore a new place but I could go to a better place. in any case, there was moments that I enjoyed and recorded on a video and took some pictures as well. despite all of this movements I hadn't find a craving for food. 

day of tomorrow - 0309

Do.

wow, it has been a year since the sentences above. Since that time, I bought a bike and I am much happier because of that I go out much more and socialize more, hence I can be a better version of myself, also moving, stretching, pushing, and pulling don't go well with depression and if one thing can push it away that is doing some sorts of action and movement.

I am a bit confused and lost about my future and what to decide. stay and be patient? wait a bit longer? or risk my life a bit for new opportunities and possibilities.

I should quit every poison that I use but I don't know what to do instead of it. maybe going out when the urges come, going for a bike ride can clear my body and soul.

Di. 30.04.23