we don't know anything but the extremes

 look at the Iranian movies. we cannot have a normal in between lives. it all have to be extremes. someone lies in the grave, someone is dying, someone has a terrible life. not every life moments happen in those critical momentsl there are so many dull moments that you can turn into a great show you wouldn't even go near the cliche. because at the same time those things most probably happened in human history at some point.

my environment is shaping me

our environment literally shapes us. 

Imagine living in a small space: you want to work out, but you can't, and you can't even stretch comfortably. 

you can go outside and do all that and what you did was changing an environment that does not serve you well anymore. any circumstance can serve us well and teaches us who we are to ourselves and to others and how to be better or different than who we are now, while we're alone we don't understand and feel our mistakes. only when we're around other people we learn how to communicate what to say and what not to say. being lonely for a long time makes you want to talk about anything and everything without realizing who you're talking to. when you spend time with other people for a short amount of time, it means you are living together or at least spending time together. why not spending time around good people, good air, good nature, good scenaries?

I remember scenes from the countries I've been this year so far. scene from Georgia, Armenia, and Norway, then I think about the time I spend in my own country.

good scenes, bad scenes, horrible memories, good ones too. then I think about why I think this way? does it depend on my mood? that I think about certain good or bad subjects. Does it depend on my happiness or sadness? when I think about the nature of my country, or the terrible things I experienced in my country. well the latest memories I have from there were getting shot and being betrayed by blood more than a few times. I am glad I am far away from all the old troubles and I should make sure I don't make new ones. those were imposed to me and I don't need to let them in my life again like that. although I should remember the good things I would do for myself even in those bad situations and remember that situation has changed now. things got better but I got worse, that's the dilemma.

why did I put myself in front of the bullet? because of the previous mental hardships? 

because I couldn't feel happiness anymore like probably so many people in that country and we wanted to move and feel free again and boy we did. we felt the freedom to the core that night. for the first time I felt my fate is in my own hands and no one else's and I didn't want to be around friends to cause trouble for them. I didn't want to be there to do nothing. I wanted to participate and soon I became one of the leaders who'd chant and others would answer after me. it was the greatest feeling so far I had until that moment. to lead real people and know what to say and want the same thing as others. the feeling of sympathy or maybe empathy we had for each other was immense and it wasn't comfortable all the time.

People would look at me to see who I am, and I had a ski mask like others, so no one could really tell who's who. everyone's wearing black jacket and black pants and those who wore colorfully, would be picked out from afar. they would turn off the street lights so the protesters cannot see where they are going. this is most useful against us when they close distance or use fear tactics like tear gas or gunmen on motorcycles who would shoot directly at us at flee the scene. but we were the most fearless bunch, tear gas was a commodity and people wouldn't be afraid of it that much anymore. it was terrible, it makes you cry and your tears burns your skin that it touches.

rambling but make sense

 How would I be before?

more emotionally invested, more fed into others' stories. believing something more than I should.

remembering more than I can.

still a lot of overthinking but much rather under control.

bad habits too.

I need to log my behavior not my tasks because some days I wonder what did I do that I had so much energy. a few particular days in the summer I was out jogging early in the morning, came home, took a shower, made breakfast for myself and it all seems unnatural to me or pretty extraordinaire.

I Know I didn't feel guilty that I was awake since the night before, till the morning.

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one year before, in such day. I don't remember what I was doing but I can guess where I was. back in my home country, I would never have thought for a million years that this time next year I will be some where else, let alone in another continent.

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What should we do when we are tired of everyday hustle? tired of not going somewhere but going wherever life takes me. postponing important tasks. postponing life, only dazing and passing time until it's rightfully the time to go to bed. sleep becomes the first best thing in the life. takes you away from hunger, from intrusive thoughts and let you face them on an unconscious level.

the key to overcoming bad habits, especially dopamine seeking is to sit still. do nothing. practice in meditation and it will eventually happens. give yourself some hard tasks even though there is no obvious reasons rather than training yourself and practicing for real life events.

update log

 first update:

I somehow think maybe Esptein was ultimately a good guy? who wanted to expose all the rich, powerful and corrupt people in expense of his reputation and monetary benefits and that's the reason why they imprisoned him.

We are not conscious animals. We are not aware most of the time how unexpected life events affect us and we become wanderers who walk and think but don't really know where we are going. even with lots of information at hand about the human psyche we can talk at best about other human species and we cannot apply our own knowledge to ourselves. we know what is right and what is wrong, what is smart and what is stupid but we still do whatever we feel like to do and not the right thing to do. because we are driven by our instincts as well but the problem is we run short on that because we cannot even be an instinctive animal. if we use anger or horniness to ease out our issues, it can easily be out of context and be problematic for a social animal.

update - 9/10/26: why do I prefer to be asleep whenever i get the chance?

Photography was one of the few things that would attach me to life. I had my camera always everywhere I went. Why? Probably because deep down I want to be in positions to take my own picture as well, to know that I was alive and looked like this.

update 23/09/2026

wrongly they taught us everything should be a novelty. whatever we do, whatever we desire or want to achieve. so therefore anything simple or without complications will be seen as useless. even when it can fix the problems, it still counts as not something important but an ordinary thing that everyone must know and must do without reminding them of it and tell them why they should do it.

what are traumas?

traumas are the moments that we didn't want to remember or think about later but because of the severity of situation it hacked into our brain. that's how a normal and healthy person can be affected by sick people just to be around them. because they always remember and think about their traumas and because of that, they will spread those fears they experienced one time to others. now people around them such as their family, kids and friends will be affected by their experience. this is how sick people can make a society sicker.

what do you do when you get bored?

do you hurt yourself to feel something? or do you advance?

only if you can feel calm and don't expect to feel anything amazing, you can pass these boring times as well. by not consuming anything. doing that, using any dopamine hit, any pleasure even the smallest, expects you to give it more, feed it more. more dopamine hits. isn't it better to not give it at all? then whatever you do becomes something important to your brain and you don't feel bored.

make videos, makes voices, don't think about others. think about what you can bring to the world, what you can make.

update XXXI . X . MMXXV:

I fall down from the bike a lot and it's embarassing. it's because of the new pedals and how they lock and unlock. it's very stiff. and off-road here is mostly sandy, heavy and deep which the bike instantly stops and I don't have that split second to unplug my show from footlock and I fall over. by now, it's a common practice and I can become a stuntman regarding this skill. I fall without hurting myself.

as always, what's happening to me?

Do I hate life?

to be more precise, did they make me hate life?

What has happened to me made me like this? or can I say I chose it myself? even unconsciously.

I think and talk about writing instead of doing it. I think and talk about doing instead of making it. to the point that I become master of it. Either I hate myself, or hate life, or hate being successful or hate feeling successful. hate of being calm and collected, always seeking pleasure to not become boring and thinking that being boring means I'm a failure at living, yet by seeking pleasure I make myself more miserable and sick and more unsuccessful and think that being this way is opposite of being boring? I should choose being boring over being that way.

using medications to come to a base level of feeling good and not empty or miserable, and then when I feel good, I think I must go downhill by trying to feel even better. Using alcohol or nicotine or coffee. all of them make my hands go sweaty and I hate that but at the same time I do it. why? 

this is like solving a math equation of spacetime interval, which is simple and doable to some but seemed something unsolvable to me.

28/7/2026

small bits and pieces I can produce

 my brain forgets things. not every brain does that.

my brain had practice before. to let everything go. when so many bad things happen to you, or when everything that happens to you is bad, it becomes as part of your default system. and until you write it down, everyone tries to blame you for all of this, and you yourself may believe it deeply that yes maybe they're right, maybe there's a problem within me that I was causing it. but make no mistake, it never was your mistake but the mistake of others near you. close to you.

Ranting eh

the question: what is the meaning of my life?

how hard I am thinking, it gets harder to understand. should I workout? should I read more? should I do what? 10 days until my departure and I think I have already maxed out my stay at this hotel. they announced that after 29th of this month, they will not accept people for longer stays. what does it mean?

they just don't want us to be around. why? no idea. maybe those who stay long consume more resources which is not ideal for the business, who knows, except the managerial people? but it doesn't concern me anymore because I am leaving here sooner than that date. I leave on 25th of this month to the destination Norway. and after that? to some place else more residential and maybe over there I can find a place for myself to be in. some place that I can establish a life, a house I hope. with real food and condiments. who knew I am gonna go there to find life? I always knew or wanted to, be in a different place than I could ever imagined but not like this. I wouldn't imagine something this complex. I like it though, don't get me wrong. I will be in a place where no one not even myself could ever imagine to be in.

i've come a long way to be in this situation. and to be honest, I am surprised and shocked that everything is moving so fast. i was seeing myself as a nomad but this is another premium version of that idea. who thought that so quickly i'd be traveling to Europe and that's not even the last destination of my trip. and I will travel to some other place after that.

I am listening to The Road by Cormac McCarthy and I can tell that these small gestures, listening to books, or sometimes watching some movies can put me in a better mood. and the mood is nothing more than being able to not always think about bad stuff but being able to see the good the in the world. not saying there's this and there's that, not arguing on that, just saying it all depends on myself to find good in things even in bad things or find bad in good things, and it all depends on our mood, blood sugar, and the state of mind at a certain moment. that's it and nothing really more than that. you can be in the worst places possible but still able to find something to not feel the worst about yourself and the world.