Stale

 I finally got it. i need to write it down before going to sleep because at this point I am sure as shhhh shingles!? that the state of being and living is not all about being alert and ready and in fight or flight mode, you need to relax and feel comfortable but when these needs aren't met you don't get entertained easily by games and stuff anymore, everytime you try to go back and concentrate on your toys, something horrible happens and steals your attention.

05.07.2025

you don't have any time for yourself. that's why I don't think about having a schedule when you cannot predict even simplest bits of reality shatters in front of your eyes and you as a watcher can sometimes take a lesson, can do nothing about it or be an active correspondent to what happening. the most complicated problems steming from thinking we are too small to make big changes. but my guts and research tells me that even an individual can change a whole nation and a whole world. this is not something extraterrestrial but something we do as humans fewer times in the history but nevertheless we do it. in neuroscience they tell you we don't know what is the reason behind altruism, but I think that is a bit obvious since I was prone to do altruistic actions I know sometimes it can comes from a need to be accepted among others. at least among humans. and in NS they say if you want to know why some behavior happened, you have to look at a second before of it and see what caused the seconds after?

I was asking myself today, if the most precious thing made by humans is language and writing, why I do not engage in writing all the time? why am I wasting my times and won't really think deeply how it affects my life and how hinders me from reaching my goal.

I know for a fact that I need to get out of this cell made by others and myself. I need to explore the world, yet this world today, is pretty expensive to live in. there are certainly smart ways to live off a street without spending a dime but it needs a lot of courage and might. when I was in Turkey, I would see so many homeless people, with clean clothes and you would find expensive stuff even on the streets. compared to a poorer country. and they also had a free mindset, without showing apparent fears, but you could see the seriousness in their eyes. one of them even warned me, put his phone out with his translator, and told me to drink my beer inside not in the alley this is a family environment and I did so. but depending on the region of the Province of Istanbul, you would face different reactions. some parts would speak English so good like around universities. everything would be beautiful around these areas. the stores, selling delicious burgers, fast foods, serving coffee and beer. major banks. hotels.

and on the other side of town in east side or European side where the migrants would reside. there were shootings, people wouldn't speak English very well and prefer to speak Turkish. you could find kurdish speakers, farsi speakers, African decent speakers and so on.

i don't like to play with Nostalgia, something never happened yet we feel good about it when thinking about it. those times I was residing in a house with multiple people, so many human politics happened and these things are really tearing me apart. thinking they are maybe scheming together with their agendas and bluffs and slander. I had to leave it. i have to talk about my ability or rather lack of it, toward other people. i look naive by an outstander. however I don't care, it doesn't magically erase it as well. it doesn't matter how many times I told myself I will become more aware, more present and thoughtful, cynic of people. but when I am seeing them I forget about everything and let them misuse my trust because why not? who doesn't want free ride?
To be continued....

Rambling Part 2

I am so sick and tired of so many things, I don't even what is real, what is true, what is meaningful?

I am sick to my stomach from playing in this crazy game of politics.

we are living paradoxes and we will not see that people admit this, or think that they have to do something about it. when someone thinks their action does not meet in a better result what will they do? they will stop trying. they get tired and will not do anything when you see no value in any action, you see the deceit behind every action, you see what they are selling behind what they are showing. and you simply not buying it. well from this point on, nothing ever good happens to that person. how can they compromise with the deceit? until you deceive yourself into believing that there is a compromise, to simply not point many things out since it will uncomfortable us. yeah that's it. otherwise by this point we as a human race, could build an institution of truth that would radio broadcast: "we are failing, we are stupid, we should go backwards". amid breaking scientific and technological advancements, still we are baffled by our interaction and will always misjudge situations, make things worse for one another and ourselves. we are good at waking up and going to work for somebody else for a bit of money, and will spend our life ruining ourselves and our family by doing that job as well. 

by this point you probably asked yourself what my deal is, whose side am I on? i am on my own side I guess, cause no one else seems to be bothered by this. how is this normal that humans have to tell lies all the time? and the fact that I cannot interact with them anymore in a helpful and constructive way, because all they say spewing lies and deceit at each other. and I have to accept and act as if nothing is wrong. following unwritten rules just to not get banished and left alone penniless? then what? nothing is more great than death and you cannot beat it. I know there are simpler reasons to live for, but over all I also have this view. i hate the way this reality works and I hate that it feels hopeless to do anything against it or for it. or maybe this is another lazy excuse to not taking any responsibility and all of that shit. yeah, it is probably that. i may project myself unto the world but I've seen people from close distance and I observed them good, real good. they are constantly lying to themselves. and it's not in our hand. i am probably lying about something as well. that's why I prefer to just not say anything because everything I said has been said before and there is no need to repeat yourself. but maybe here is my problem that I don't see what I do or say is important or will affect others. that's why I spew things myself. you can't open your mouth without disclaiming yourself. then why open at all?

maybe I should open my mouth and talk more or say more, if someone thinks I'm a bit too much of a talker, I can change the channel, they can too, we can talk to different people, maybe that way everyone gets some bits of me and no one gets fed with my shits ever.

these days since I want to exercise my writing skills, even though it doesn't mean I always come up with new things to say but rather it's repeating myself for different people. writing letters to each other. sometimes I get disinterested quickly but I want to stick to it as much as I can. doing something disciplinary is always good and it's positive habit builder.

Age of Empires II - Handbook for a successful start to finish game

 at the start of the game, as soon as possible, yet without any unnecessary and damaging stress, click on town center and create a villager, then select your 2 villagers and make a house with them, select the other vil and make a house as well. then shift click on the sheep so after they're done housing, they instantly go and make food. making a house is 25 seconds and making a villager having same time, that's why you make a house with 2 villagers to reduce the buffer time.

always make villagers and never stop producing, there's never enough villagers, especially at beginners level this can lead to a legit success.

the next villagers in town center should go to the wood and make a lumber camp, next vil go to food, next one go to wood, and so on and so forth. having 3 vil on wood is ok until Feudal Age. if you want to plan going next age as fast as possible, 6 vil on food is enough as well. if not, it's better to go to the next age with enough resources, not empty handed. every age provides you with many upgrades and units, you have to be able to afford it, but at the same time, going to next age is almost always in your favor. and beware that although your enemy will fear you now, they will prepare attacking you.

at the same time you have to be able to put your scout in your shortcut keys, ctrl 1-9, and do laming, which means laning some deers, gather your sheep around the town center etc.

start producing vils for the gold as well to start making infantry or pikesman for cavalry. if you are playing in a team game i.e. 4 v 4, you need 4 pikesman for each scouts. they are the counter units.

after this you either boom, start making units, skirmishes i.e. for being annoying to the enemy and never let them be comfortable. try to sabotage their miners and vils. this vil not only affect their economy but also become fearful and most players don't know how to react.

think about going to the next stage which is Castle age, and select some of your lumberjacks to make a stone mine and prepare to drop a castle in your enemy's face. we call this kind of castles DauT's Castle (you can watch a video about it on YT) and you either build that castle or you let the enemy interrupt the process. either way make that castle somewhere, even in your base.

don't forget mining upgrades plus farming and after that blacksmith upgrades for becoming more powerful than your enemy units. in castle age, try to build monastry quickly to gather as much relics as you can on the map, then build town centers to produce even more villagers and more farms.

To be Continued... maybe.

rambling

 the right writing platform is sometimes crucial to writing.

today though, I want to talk about something else, I want to talk about becoming many things. can you? become a doctor, and an engineer, a chemist, a writer, a researcher and other things?

what do you need to write?

motivation and a subject in mind.

and sometimes you don't be given any subjects or any known words. then how would you proceed? 

that's when you stop writing. stop talking. stop producing. because you think whatever you do, whatever you write doesn't shake the world anymore. not that you don't have it in you, but you feel spent to spend something. yet you're not, you're spent of what happened, not that they're in you or will haunt you or anything, but because that's how you got brought up, you just need to change the way you behave, change your routine's behavior. your routine's routing. that's how you start to make movies, music, stories, poems, pictures, paintings, and other decisions yet to take. these are the motivation to learn those things but the process should also be the motivation because you're on its way to become it, to produce it. if you dream of it. maybe I haven't dream enough of becoming something or even if I did I never truly believed it and wanted it with all my life, otherwise I would achieve it with all my life. right?

what's my passion and I would do it for free? that would be my Ideal dream hobby, what would I dream to do something and get paid for it? that would be ideal job. this was a diagram of how to decide what's your ideal activities or something. the Y diagram. by this measures, I don't know what would I become. a comic writer? I mean comedy writer? because I love stand up comedy, yet not very good very gathering material and presenting them on stage, yet I don't like to do writings for free and I prefer if I do it, I get some money for it. that's why I was proud of doing translation my whole life, cause it was a proud and sophisticated enough occupation.

does anyone still read these?

Daily problem, Daily Solution

 it's getting colder everyday and the desire in me to go out is also fading away. each day I plan for an event, a solo short but sweet hike on a nearest mountain. keep thinking to these tasks overwhelms me and therefore I stop doing anything useful and will get  busy to games or YouTube. at best I put on some music and workout for some 1-2 minutes. looking and finding or making something to eat and this is how day goes. in the meantime I try to grow 3 lemon seeds and some mushroom spores directly into the soil which was rinsed with boiled water and today I feed the pot with some sugar water solution.

mark & stamp - 0756

Mi.

I finally moved my skinny ass, stood up, got ready and went out on a hike in a remote place out of the city. most of the ride was on the bus or in a crowded, moist and damp with no fresh air. I wanted to explore a new place but I could go to a better place. in any case, there was moments that I enjoyed and recorded on a video and took some pictures as well. despite all of this movements I hadn't find a craving for food. 

day of tomorrow - 0309

Do.

wow, it has been a year since the sentences above. Since that time, I bought a bike and I am much happier because of that I go out much more and socialize more, hence I can be a better version of myself, also moving, stretching, pushing, and pulling don't go well with depression and if one thing can push it away that is doing some sorts of action and movement.

I am a bit confused and lost about my future and what to decide. stay and be patient? wait a bit longer? or risk my life a bit for new opportunities and possibilities.

I should quit every poison that I use but I don't know what to do instead of it. maybe going out when the urges come, going for a bike ride can clear my body and soul.

Di. 30.04.23

How to have a different life among others

 I had this title for quite a while and I opened it today after years to see it's just empty.

but nevertheless, it fits the purpose. to write is to remember, and that is enough to my faded mind; whenever I come back (out of shame or guilt for my dull-witted years in my youth) I find out minor details that would be shocking for me or even today's listener, when they hear the prices in those days or how things were, or how things weren't as good as they think and that they always had an excuse to live poorly and badly even though they were wealthy enough to feed some other strange mouthes out of pride and looking good instead of the evil things they did in the past. it's a cycle and we were about to do the same for the family but we weren't there. we rarely would attend these meetings and eventually every one of us got scattered somewhere in the world. now what is left is making good memories and write them down beside the bad ones as none of them will be removed from the mind of existence. it will relive again and again in different minds and manifest itself in the world.

anyway, i'm getting sidetracked here. these days I am trying hard to have a good time and do meaningful things. boiled some water and poured over a straw medium to clean it for growing mycelium in them.

bought some fruits and nuts, cashews, and currants are my favorites. sunflower and pumpkin seeds are also something I nibble on these days. Bananas and coconuts are always remind me of baboons and chimpanzees.

Who am I?

St. Jerome, by Jacopo Da Ponte known as Bassano, 1560 about, 16th Century

Firstly let us talk a bit about consciousness.

are you fully aware of yourself? or you're more out there and thinking constantly about anything and everything but really about yourself?

The Gateway project made me think about something and that is being aware of yourself. Psychiatrists or professionals in the field may haven't put much effort into this. 

"Know thyself" is the translated statement from the Temple of Apollo in Greece. I think maybe even Humans back then knew the truth and the secret which is hidden in plain-sight in our bodies.

Seeing the world as waves, frequencies, and vibrations.

this thinking suddenly changed my view about how things really work, how I should really feel, and how I should really face my fears. don't think of them as fearful things that will happen or going to happen, instead resonate with life. I was always an avid pursuer of learning and getting ready for survival so I can not just be alive but flourish as well.

Which is it? I don't know my body? my mind is locked up in my brain and in my body and that is the cause for disturbance and bad bodily feelings that I always crave to feel normal and use substances in order to feel that sense of contentment which I can almost never get it from anything? nothing, literally nothing is making me feel warm inside, loved, cherished or satisfied. most part of it though is clear and I have no doubt why is it like that. because being in a sick and toxic society, community, groups of people can affect you, your thinking, your thoughts, your personality, your goals, your concerns and everything else in between. the solution for me was a half-ass attempt to entertain myself, pick several hobbies that I don't put too much effort in any of them. but why is that? why instead of being busy with life, we are so self-conscious about everything and have to analyze everything. of course, for finding the best solution to a prosperous life maybe.

P.S.: Lucid dreaming and becoming master at it can really make a difference on how we perceive ourselves and the reality that surrounded us.